she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize