There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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