I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
