how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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