I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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