There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
