I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
