Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Randomize
