The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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