I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
