good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
