Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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