I just made out with a guy for $7.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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