you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
