I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
