I'm really into asian looking animals
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I could fuck to npr.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
