Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
