and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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