My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
