I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
