I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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