I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
