Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just puked most of my soul out..
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
