Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride