I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
