Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
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If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
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Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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