the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
