How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
