Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
