Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
