then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
