My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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