So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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