I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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