turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
