Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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