My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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