my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
