i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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