you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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