24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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