I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
