saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
