im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A+ Viking dick
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
