You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
