yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
