Pants 0. Shit 1.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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