Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
