By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
