She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
