is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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