Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it's not cheating when I paid for it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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