I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
