I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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